Have you ever tried leaving somebody?
Have you ever tried being alone?
If the answer to either I pose is a nod
Let me know how you got along
Cos I too may need to find a way alone
And can’t seem to work out how it’ll all go
Tell me how it is waking up early morn
Knowing that by nightfall there’ll still be no sign
What do you do when you’re all alone
Yet the thoughts of togetherness are still fresh as can be
How do you fill all those god damned hours?
When even a minute or two seems to be a hell of a time
I’ve been playing with the idea for a while
Can’t seem to get it out my mind
This impasse of thought is driving me there
Making me know I’ve got to do the deed
Why can’t I just stop all the thinking
Why can’t I just put it all behind of me
I’ve always said I won’t stay just for the staying
It’s always been clear there needs to be a life between
Can’t just stick around to care for the kids
They’d know too that it was a done deal
And I guess we are of that ilk
Of bein true to our thoughts and to the sayings of our soul
Will you forgive me if I no longer stay
Will you still love me if I no longer stay
How will you remember me if I die this day
When will all this pain and torture pass me by
Which way will the coin fall when I toss it up high
Can’t I just close my eyes and relieve myself of this ache
Won’t someone wake me and tell me of the shouting in my head
I always believed in living for another day
Of giving a chance for the night to change our way
Never being so rash as to decide on a whim and a prayer
Knowing that God above will come to our call
As simple as crawling low along the hall
But know I know that something has taken me, taken over, taken charge of me
I slowly close the door behind, never before conscious of the shape of the knob
This moment, this action is already etched on me, an instant scar appears
I shudder, I shiver, my bones begin to shake
A step has never been so soft before
My aching heart knows that the act is done
I have gone, I have left, and now I need to find
Personal take
So raw that no punctuation mark is put. It is a spilling out of thoughts, a description of a situation which besets one, and there is no calm or break as the dilemma of the moment strikes. Many will have experience the fraught nature of separation, the desperateness of it all, the heart rendering agony, the indecision and the fear. There is not too much to say on the matter for it is and it is and our body, our processes, our words struggle to deal with it all. Are there lessons to be learned from reading the poem, are there warnings out there to be heeded? Certainly the lines tell us that the act is not a non-consequential, ‘soon to pass us by’ moment. Nor does it comment that it should be avoided at all costs, nor does it lay blame at one of the doors. It simply reflects a part of human life which is painful in its size and impact and our relative inability as human animals to deal with the moment.
To express the magnitude of it all the poem does not hold back, it is not prim and proper, there is no attempt to keep the lines short and compact, apparently no particular attention to the language used – the episode is too painful to justify revision after revision, and has been said punctuation plays no part. Questions galore but no timely answers reflect the tragedy of it all. Enjoy.